April is a strange month for me based on my life journey. Spring, flowers, and warmer weather are all associated with April. A new beginning for many, but April had a profound push to bring me to a new beginning eleven years ago. My first husband committed suicide unexpectedly leaving me a single mother with cerebral palsy after years of abuse. I overcame, but those dark years will always be with me.
I met my husband after graduating college and moving back to my home. He seemed to be the smartest guy I knew at that point of my life. I liked our conversations, viewpoints, morals and some of the similar goals as mine. We laughed and could easily talk a night away without missing a beat. My cerebral palsy didn’t have a negative impact on our relationship and seemed a non issue.
It didn’t seem long that we were engaged to be married. Some of my family members had some objections about us getting married, but I didn’t listen. I felt that if I followed my heart, the rest would fall into place. Now that I look back at the past, I do not understand why I choose to ignore obvious signs of future misery.
We weren’t married a week when trouble had started. I instantly wished that I could turn back time and change my decision. He became aggressive with me after I would ask simple tasks or didn’t agree with everything. Having cerebral palsy and relying on him for several things compounded the problem for me. I couldn’t walk out of a situation to get away. I felt embarrassed to seek help  and embarrassed I let myself stay.
We did go to marriage counseling. I admit that counseling helped immensely, and our greatest mistake was not continuing. But, due to his work schedule the timing was impossible to coordinate. It wasn’t long to when the yelling, blaming and aggression started back again. Living in fear happened to be my new way of life.
Domestic abuse and cerebral palsy are a deadly combination. I think it’s a miracle that I survived, not only physically but emotionally too. Being dependent on someone you love that holds control over you physically is like living in Hell. It’s a place that I never want to be again. I should have swallowed my pride and got help so much sooner.
But through my hard times, an amazing miracle came into my life. I became pregnant with my daughter. After I had her, it wasn’t long until beyond a doubt that I knew I didn’t want to raise my daughter in that environment. He was an awesome father to her in the short months that he was around her. He was still awful to me. Â
In the beginning of April, the verbal abuse had gotten way out of control. One morning I knew that I had enough and decided to leave him. I went to my friend’s house then my sister’s. I knew we had to divorce for my sake and especially my daughter. But, sadly, he could not handle me leaving it appears because he took his own life.
My new life began as a single mother, but I feel for my daughter who will never know her father. So many questions she has that I try to answer but can only describe him in words.  But, I do my best to be the best mother I can. I built myself up again from the pain and scars. I have vivid flashbacks and probably will the rest of my life, but I’m stronger than ever.
Please if you’re in a violent situation and have a disability, you aren’t alone. The hardest part is taking the step to get help but afterwards a new peace, a new beginning will fall into place. You are stronger than what you think
