Cerebral palsy affects everyone differently. The limitations in one person might be completely different than the other person. One symptom, however, remains the same in people who have cerebral palsy. Muscles become difficult to control to some degree for the person with cerebral palsy. The muscles can either be stiff, too relaxed, involuntary movements or a combination of all of these. When actions aren’t under your control, sometimes things can happen that you don’t want and leave you embarrassed, frustrated or sorry. Apologizing becomes all too common.
I mainly have athetoid cerebral palsy, but I also have a combination of all types of cerebral palsy. I feel frustrated when my body has an involuntary movement when I least want it to. What I mean by involuntary movement is when I have a spasm or my body seems to move constantly for no apparent reason. Involuntary movements often occur when I’m nervous or talking to someone new. I used to really hate the movements when I met a guy I liked when I was younger and tried to talk to them. But like everything with cerebral palsy, you need to push past it and keep on living life.
Apologizing to others because of muscle spasms isn’t uncommon to me. An involuntary movement could accidentally hit someone. This scenario is no stranger to me. I feel terrible if I hurt someone and have a string of apologies. The fingers on my hands often clutch something tightly, and I have difficulty releasing them. Grabbing things and not being able to let go happens at the worst times too, and then you need to explain why. And, then another apology comes into play.
People will tell me that I don’t need to apologize for things I cannot control. I’m not the type of person that can hurt someone and just move on even if it is not intentional. I remember when I was almost eight months pregnant with my daughter, and I had to hire a morning attendant so I could use the bathroom more frequently. On her first day, as I crawled down the hallway to the bathroom, she made a comment that I took too long! My initial impulse to apologize, but I stopped. How dare she say this to a pregnant woman and has cerebral palsy? I didn’t apologize.
Apologizing will always be a part of my life, but I’m improving. I had to first accept myself as others had to accept me. Through experience, I learned that I was being too critical about myself more than anyone else. Of course, I will always apologize when I cause anyone pain. Even if it is not my fault, I feel hurting someone regardless is needed when you hurt someone.
Acceptance is a battle, for me, with cerebral palsy. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a body that does nothing but fights against me. But without cerebral palsy, I’d miss out on many amazing experiences that I can thank cerebral palsy. I need to remember that my disability has a mind of its own, and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am.
