Cerebral palsy varies between person to person in how the disability affects someone. The limitations in one person might be completely different than the other person. One symptom, however, remains the same in people who have cerebral palsy. Muscles become not controllable to some degree for the person with cerebral palsy. The muscles can either be stiff, too relaxed, involuntary movements or a combination of all of these. When actions aren’t under your control, sometimes things can happen that you don’t want and leave you embarrassed, frustrated or sorry.
I mainly have athetoid cerebral palsy, but I also have a combination of all types of cerebral palsy. I feel very frustrated when my body has an involuntary movement when I least want it to. What I mean by involuntary movement is when I have a spasm or my body seems to move constantly for no apparent reason. Involuntary movements often occur when I’m nervous or talking to someone new. I used to really hate the movements when I met a guy I liked when I was younger and tried to talk to them. But like everything with cerebral palsy, you need to push past it and keep on living life.
Apologizing to others because of muscle spasms isn’t uncommon for me. An involuntary movement could hit someone by accident with your arms or legs. I have done this numerous times to people I know and strangers. When I do something by accident I have a never ending string of apologies. I always feel bad when someone thinks that I actually did it on purpose. The fingers on my hands often clutch something tightly, and I have difficulty releasing them. Grabbing things and not being able to let go happens at the worst times too, and then you need to explain why. And, then another apology comes into play.
People will tell me that I don’t need to apologize as much as I do. I’m not the type of person that can hurt someone and just move on even if it is not intentional. I remember when I was almost eight months pregnant with my daughter, and I had to hire a morning attendant so I could use the bathroom more frequently. On her first day, as I crawled down the hallway to the bathroom, she made a comment that I took too long! I actually had the impulse to apologize, but I suddenly stopped myself. How dare she say this to a pregnant woman, but especially to someone that has cerebral palsy? I didn’t apologize.
I can’t say that I’m perfect about not apologizing about things that I can’t help, but I have come a long way. I had to first accept myself as others had to accept me. I learned that I was being too critical about myself more than anyone else. Of course, I will always apologize when I cause anyone pain. Even if it is not my fault, I feel hurting someone regardless is needed when you hurt someone.
Acceptance is a never ending battle, for me, with cerebral palsy. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a body that does nothing but fights against me. But without cerebral palsy, I’d miss out on many amazing experiences that I can thank cerebral palsy. I need to remember that my disability has a mind of its own, and I don’t need to apologize for being who I am.
